I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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