John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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