New invention idea: vibrating tampons
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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