turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
