I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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