Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
