I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
