I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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