When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
