i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
