My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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