I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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