he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
