booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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