8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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