He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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