good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
