Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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