Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
