EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
