So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
