Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
