Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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