I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
