he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
