I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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