Where are you?
In a non slutty way
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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