tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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