then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I am one with the molecules
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
