so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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