I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
