I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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