apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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