Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
