Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
In America we eat man semen.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
