I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
