She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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