I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
