I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
