remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
