Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
