I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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