i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
