He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My bed is full of blood and feathers
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
