I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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