I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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