sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
