i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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