the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
