I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
