going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
