I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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