Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
