The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
