Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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