Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
