peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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