once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
