I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
